10 Signs You May Be Involved With a Sex Addict, By a Sex Addict
The guy may be going through a tough time. He may be a sexual dynamo. He may be banging someone else. Shit happens. But there may be a different answer.
I did all 10 of the things on this list, in all of my relationships. Some of them lasted for years. I was often accused by women of being a selfish, lying a**hole or a straight-up freak, and I was both of those things. But they never knew the truth: I was a sex addict.
The list is a compilation of everything I've learned about sex addiction in my own experience and treatment and from many other men in groups I've been part of. Obviously, it focuses on heterosexual relationships, but these behaviors are common to LGBT sex addicts, too.
Most doctors would prescribe treatment to help your sex addict get his obsessions and compulsions under control. When he stays up until 3 a.m. looking at cyber porn or jerks off eight times a day, he's dosing his brain with dopamine and other chemicals that excite, distract and otherwise cover up the underlying distress or emptiness he suffers from.
"The sex addict's impulse is to cover the pain of feeling damaged, whereas the opportunist's impulse is to take whatever he can get without having remorse. Sex addicts feel very guilty and ashamed of their behavior, and greedy individuals do not," said Joe Kort, a sexual addiction therapist and a doctor of sexology. We sex addicts are generally filled with shame and self-hate, and are deceitful because we feel that if we are found out we will lose everything.
So what do you do if your partner is exhibiting three or more (my estimate) of these signs? Start off by talking to him. (Ending the relationship will still be an option in an hour or a day.) Don't assume the worst just yet.
But be prepared for deception. When I was confronted, I lied and continued lying, and tried to persuade my partner that she was full of shit. You never know, though: He may be relieved to have it out in the open.
1. He lies all the time.
How do you know when a sex addict is lying? He opens his mouth.
Because the addict is keeping a secret -- and living a double life -- he's also covering it up. He's typically not where he says he is, but that may be just the beginning of the lies. He may tell you he makes more money than he really does. He may lie about his past. He may tell you he's working late but then comes home smelling like booze. The lies he tells might have nothing to do with sex, but the fact that he is a compulsive liar is itself a warning sign.
2. He cheats on you.
This is a tricky one. A lot of guys cheat.
Maybe he has some "character flaws" (like being a narcissist), maybe he's super-attracted to someone else, maybe he no longer likes you and is on his way out. To qualify as sex addiction, the cheating has to be pretty much nonstop. It can take a million different forms. At my worst, I was carrying on three or four relationships at once outside of my primary one.
When you suspect your partner of cheating, you're probably right. You're also probably furious. When you cool down a bit, this is the time not only to confront him but to dig a little deeper. This might save you both a lot of pain in the future.
3. He has had no long-term stable relationships.
It may be that this guy has had no serious relationships, although he has had a lot of sex. Or he may have left a trail of relationships that failed for no discernible reason.
Either way, this is a big red flag if he's in his 30s or 40s. Because what makes you believe you are "the one" who is going to break this pattern of failure? Falling in love with this man may have made you feel very special. But addiction is stronger than infatuation or even love.
4. He masturbates all the time, even after sex.
You just had some of the most awesome sex of your life. You've never felt closer to him; you fall asleep with a smile on your face. A half hour later you wake up and he's beating off next to you in bed.
Don't be all "Oh, he doesn't think I am attractive. Why is he beating off when I'm right here?" You're smarter than that. This is not about you, no matter how much it affects your self-esteem. If a guy is masturbating compulsively, it's because he can't stop beating off.
5. He's into some kinky stuff sexually.
He may be tying you up and blindfolding you, or choking you (for the thrill, not to hurt you). He may have an odd fetish that you accept because you love him. No consensual kinky behaviors are odd unto themselves. People do what they do.
But if his sexual interests become all-encompassing, and if you are being pushed physically or emotionally beyond your comfort zone, then your dude clearly has some issues that may add up to sex addiction.
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